I turned off my phone early this morning. I'd rather not be connected with the world today.

I don't know what to do with Bill. I know cutting off communication isn't the right thing to do, but I need the space. I want to talk to him, but I don't want to hear the apathy in his voice.

I don't believe him anymore. I don't believe the words that leave his mouth, the messages I hear, the conversations we have. I don't believe he misses me. I don't really think he cares much about me. When you care, it shows, and I can't see that anymore. He acts so indifferent toward me now, it seems as though he generally isn't interested in hearing from me. And it hurts.

I can't deal with STILL caring about someone who doesn't seem to feel the same. Life is retarded.

So I'm not talking to him about it. I already know what he'll tell me, and I don't want to hear it. I'd rather not hear it at all than be let down again.

I am getting so sick of all of this. Everything. All of it. I've got to be fucking crazy to have dealt with everything that has went on.

If there is ONE thing I cannot deal with, ONE FUCKING THING, it's when people don't return phone calls.

"I'm just busy, that's how it is up here."

Busy? Really? What, too busy throwing your little keggers?? Too busy fucking doing absofuckinglutely nothing? How the fuck could anyone be THAT busy??

If you like someone, you have time for them. If you don't have time, you MAKE time. If my friends or family need me, I don't care what the fuck I'm doing, I FIND TIME. And I must be fucking nuts to put you in that category. For caring that much about you, when you can't even so much as return my fucking phone call.

If you're too busy to put some effort into a phone call that doesn't last two minutes and end with, "can I call you back?" then fuck off.

If you're too busy to talk to me, too busy to see me, and just TOO BUSY what with getting hammered every night, then tell me and stop wasting both of our time. You're too busy for your own goddam fucking good.

So go ahead. The next time you ask to call me later I'll tell you don't. Don't bother calling me back. Don't waste your fucking time.

Fuck.

I am coming off of almost two full weeks of working and I just feel.. fdsghjk.

I probably shouldn't be around people today. I need some flipping me time. I should order a pizza, rent a movie and spend the whole night sitting on the couch eating my entire pizza and loathing confrontation. All of the pizza. I'm serious.

I'm sick of talking to people. I've gotten accustomed to making conversation when I'd rather go out back and shoot myself than talk. I think of it as a skill.

I wish I could take days like today, split them up and distribute them where I need them during the week. Like, hey, I need another hour before work today. Or, hey, I'd really like to sleep for another two hours. Or two days.

The good news is no one is here. Believe you me, that's good news for the safety of anyone reading this.

I feel so lonely. I feel like everyone is against me. Like everyone judges me. Like I'm the butt of the world's jokes. I'm too fat. Too thin. Too mediocre. Too quiet. Too anything for my own good.

I feel like no one will ever truly appreciate, or truly love me for who I am. I don't want to be alone anymore. I'm trying my best to let someone in here with me, but I feel I'm creating space for someone who isn't sure he really wants to occupy it the first place.

I trip over the slightest inclination that someone may be interested in me. Attracted to me. That someone even bothers enough to stop and care about me. Think about me. I trip and I'm all over the place.

My heart is in emotional overdrive. Any tiny fluctuation in then-established normalcy freightens me. I tell myself not to get attached, I'll lose sleep over this, I'll hurt myself. But I magnify even the smallest issues times a hundred million.

I expect the worst. I prepare myself for the worst and, that, I absolutely hate. I push away slightly because rejection is inevitable, so when it strolls around my way, I've already written it off. It's a well-oiled machine, and I hate it. Unconsciously, I ask for it every time.

I overstep my boundaries. I think greatly of things that haven't developed yet. I want them to develop, I want to push things along, but trying will not suffice. Nothing ever evolves. Nothing ever works out for me. I have no happy ending. There's always something in my way, so instinctively I hold onto things, however small, until they dissolve in my hands.

I can't deal with this anymore, but it's all I've ever wanted. All I could ever dream of. I'm afraid that there is nothing out there for me. Nothing greater than the little I possess right now. Nothing else. I don't want to start over. I don't want to care so much.

I'm just waiting until it's time to pick up my pieces.

A huge woo flipping hoo for scheduling classes waaaaay late and actually getting into them.

HECK YES.

Because, yes, I have big goals in life.

Even if I never make it past the audience. I would tape it as well, so when my friends come over I can pull it out and gloat.
This is almost impossible for somone with an insanely long last name like myself. Although, I was thinking real hard about this one and figured that if I marry someone with a normal last name, or if they happen to have a family member with the same first name, I'm set.
Because what could be better than calling someone and telling them you're in tomorrow? Or yesterday? There are very few places where the line passes through actual land, but I believe one of them is Fiji.
(Still in the midst of compilation.)
My best bet is Alaska or Canada, because no way in hell am I going to Norway. Or Sweden. I'll have to find out when this occurs, because I know it's only once or twice a decade.
I speak German fairly well. Heck, I should. Fuer vier Jahren auf meiner Hauptschule und ein Jahr auf meiner College habe ich Deutch gestudiert. Besides that, I think Germany is beautiful.

Tonight? Heh. Let's see.

Pour beer like a pro. Check. Learn a few drinks. Check. Confuse boss who is wondering why I'm standing behind the bar. Check. Get asked to dinner. Check.

No joke. Didn't really expect that to happen. I was minding my own business tonight, being too engulfed in worrying about whether or not I'm pouring drinks correctly. And not looking like a complete helpless idiot.

But I've decided I'm not going to dinner. Teresa and I figured hey, free meal, but whatever, I can't do that. I don't want to do that. I'm way too crazy about Bill.

He still gives me butterflies.

That's insane.

Good news, folks. Guess who starts training for bartending tomorrow? Heck yes.

So I am inebriated. AND tonight has been one helluva night. Not only am I having a difficult time typing, I am excited. Excited times eighty. I talked with Bill. Half an hour. Hard to type.

In conclusion, I told him everything I was afraid to tell him. He is all I think about, and all I care about. I care about him much more than he knows. If he wants to see me all he has to do is call. I'll be there.

But what excited me the most is that I had the balls to ask him if he wants to see anyone else. Answer? Heck no.

Well, exaggeration, but what is important is that he wants to see me. Me, me, me. I am out of control right now. I want to dance around the room and sing a song really loud as hell. I want to wake up everyone around me.

Somebody knock me out so I can shut up already.

I've decided to take a step back from things. At least for a while.

I talked with my mom last night about everything that is going on in my life and she gave me one piece of advice, "boys only want one thing."

Now, I have my disagreements to that, however I was starting to wonder maybe she isn't so far off. She has been through what I've been through one million fold, so she knows what she's talking about.

I just don't want to believe it. I don't understand why someone would put so much time, effort or emotion into something they're simply using. The way he acts toward me is hard to explain, but unlike any other person I've met. He lets me know what he's thinking. I think.

So I'm sort of putting everything on pause for the time being. I'll let the whole two-hundred-miles-apart thing set in and then I'll see if I can handle this, because the way things are looking right now, I can't.

I'm at a loss for everything. I'm so apathetic right now, it's confusing me. I don't know what to do, what I want to do, or how I should feel. I couldn't begin to explain why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling.

I know I'm somewhat upset that Bill left for school. I'm upset that we can't spend much time together, or any time, really. However, at the same rate, my first relationship was long distance. For two years. So I know the feeling.

I think what is upsetting me most is that I'm so helpless. He's away and apparently busy as hell for the next week or so, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I'm a little hurt because his mood seemed to suddenly change as soon as he left. He doesn't seem like same guy. He gives me the feeling that he returns my phone calls because he doesn't know what else to do. In fact, I feel lucky if I get a phone call from him, and I know that isn't right. Things just don't seem right anymore.

I'm hoping this is just a week-long deal because this boy has gotten under my skin. Real deep.

I can't help but feel distanced.

I'm not mad or angry. I understand completely. I've simply never dealt with such circumstances in my life. Everyone has always just been around.

Maybe this won't work out as well as I had hoped.

Apparently time is irrelevant when you're backpacking in the middle of nowhere. Phillup had some wise words to share with me last night.

Eat when you're hungry.

Sleep when you're tired.

When it gets dark, walk faster.

I hate waiting around for phone calls. Essentially, you're busy doing your own thing, but when it comes down to it, you ARE waiting for that phone call and then you wonder why it never came. Are people really that busy?

So an hour passes. Two hours. Three.. four... twelve.

You then become THAT girl, you know, the one who checks her phone every twenty minutes thinking maybe she accidentally left it on silent.

I just want to talk.

Headed downtown tonight to watch the Tigers play Boston and all I have to say is



No shame.
That is all.

Last night I drove home from Romeo with the moon roof open so I could see the stars (which I realize sounds a lot more dangerous than it actually was). They're beautiful when you can actually see them.

I did quite a bit of thinking and came to the conclusion that now is usually the time in a relationship where if I haven't ended it already, someone else is about to. Last night felt like the right time to talk about things, although I keep failing to realize we've already talked. I just haven't heard what I want to hear, I guess.

He told me I was beautiful. He missed me. He asked me when I was going to see him and I told him never.

He said he wants me to be there always.

He's leaving this afternoon and I'm worried. If he likes me, he likes me, that's one thing. If he said he didn't want to be with anyone else, I would believe him.

Didn't say that.

And that would be what I'm stressing about. Last night there was no form of closure, I guess you could call it. Something to ease my mind. I'm still not sure whether or not he'd like to see other people. For all I know that's the dumbest question on earth.

I'm just worried that someone will come along and discover what an incredibly amazing person he is. And that would be the ending to my happy story.

Last night I had the most spectacular evening. Not only did I get to spend the whole night with my old boss, whom I tackled as soon as he walked through the door, we all drank ourselves silly in the process.

We talked for a long time, which meant quite a whole lot to me. I miss him dearly. I half expected to see him when I walked into work today, and was disappointed to have to realize that he doesn't work there anymore and isn't coming back.

And my new boss is a turd.

I came to the conclusion that that place has officially gone to hell.

I can't fathom how incredibly wonderful it is to be woken by a phone call from someone who just wants to tell you good morning.

It's official. I've gone crazy.

I want to believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

He left for Cali early this morning, and I drove out to say goodbye.

He called me on the way home to let me know that what I had done was the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him. I've never driven forty-five minutes out of my way at three in the morning. For anyone.

I'm falling way too hard.

We're in the same boat, he says.

As much as I wish there were another option, there isn't. I'm not about to watch this boy walk out of my life right now, but there is also no justification for how completely unfair living two hours away from each other is to the both of us. I can't deal with that. I can't deal with not being able to wrap my arms around the person I may potentially love.

He told me I am free to meet people if I'd like. I don't understand if he meant that as he's trying not to hold me back, or that he wants to keep his options open. I know in my mind that at this point in time I don't care who walks into my life, it isn't going to matter. My heart is set. I don't want anyone else.

I don't want to be somewhere in the middle, but that's where I stand. I told him I eventually want a relationship. He wants exactly the same thing. I don't want to get hurt, but I'll be around. I'm not giving up.

Before he left we stood together on my porch. He told me we'd figure something out. And I believe him.

So tonight is the last night I see him. Then he's off for Cali. Then school. Only two or three hours away, but between working six days a week and schooling, this seems quite an impossibility.

If this turns into an in-between thing, one of us is bound to get hurt, and I am not about to let that happen.

I want to tell him that he is important in my life. I'd rather meet him and have him break my heart every day of my life, then have never met him at all. I want this more than anything.

My nerves are out of control. Wish me luck.

e ----------------------------------
A ------3-3-----3-3-----3-3-----3-3-
D ------0-0-----0-0-----0-0-----0-0-
G ----------------------------------
B ----------------------------------
E --3-3-----2-2-----0-0---0h1-2-----

I think I am in love with this song.

I am truly amazed, for a lack of better words.

Not two weeks ago a boy walked into my life, and I have thought of nothing else since. Well... food, sleep, guitar, but you know.

Every once in a great while you stumble upon these things that are so absolutely wonderful, it seems impossible to form any sort of sentence to describe them. Not one single word in existence proves worthy.

Isn't that the truth.

It's a simple question, doctor. Would you eat the moon if it were made of ribs? It's not rocket science. Just say yes and we'll move on.

So I've recently received many a phone call from someone I don't quite remember meeting, but had apparently met one night while I was somewhere between drunk and unconscious.

I don't understand boys. If I'm not answering the phone when you call there's a reason for that. He called the other day and the first words out of his mouth were enough to make me want to shoot myself. He should have done himself a favor and told me he ate a liver with some fava beans, seeing as I probably would've been less freaked out by that. Before he could open his mouth again I closed my phone and just sat there, perturbed.

I get to swim in this loverly weather we're having today. In the most flipping awesome pool ever. With the most flipping awesome boy ever. Score. And score.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce to you THE most gorgeous man on the face of this earth. Keith Urban. Oh Lord.

I am quite pleased with myself. I woke up early enough this morning to fix my sad, broken (and apparently very dusty) guitar. Talk about accomplishments.

Dear Sarah,

You want some insight? You do not talk enough.

Let me rephrase that.. you talk enough, but not about what matters most. You do not talk about your feelings. You do not talk about what you're thinking. You do not talk about what you want. You do not talk about anything that is relatively important.

I understand that you may be confused. Hurt. Battered. Bruised. Scarred. Insecure. Afraid of rejection. Those words should not even be a part of your vocabulary. They are not you, and they are certainly no reason not to communicate. Especially with someone you care about. Do you not realize you're only digging yourself a deeper hole? Why don't you just fill it with water, you retard?

So what I'm saying is talk. Talk because you want this.

Love,
someone you care about

Up north was fun. Canoeing, parade-watching, drunken Boggle-playing. And I won too, talk about skill.

I had actually come home somewhat early to hang out with the boy today, but for some reason or another he seems to be set for the rest of the night. Don't get it. Don't care. Just wish I had something to do tonight. I should just go to sleep right now and save myself some misery.

I had wanted to fix my damn broken guitar string but the music shop was closed today. Ah, Sundays.

Oh, and alright, I actually DO care. I wish I had some special insight to which I could understand these things. I told him I'd call later, but I think I'm going to nix that idea. It doesn't seem like he'd care much either way. Sooner or later, this ALWAYS HAPPENS. I've decided it's inevitable.

But how do I do it?! I don't understand how I get myself into these situations. I think I may be getting attatched. Paying too much attention. Reading too deeply into things. I have a knack for that. I need to stop right now. Concentrate. Work... family... friends. It's really the only thing I can think of at the moment. Then maybe if I have time. This is retarded.

Everyone can rest easy now, I have acquired the new Harry Potter book.