We went to the bar tonight. They had a hot body contest, and you could so tell the guys from the gay bar. Good dancers, but gay. Whatever.

I'm going to bed. Alone. Goodnight, me.

I've decided. There isn't a goddam mother fucking good thing about turning twenty. Not one. I've got nothing.

I got carded today for buying a lighter. A lighter. Who does that? And since when do you have to be eighteen to buy a lighter? Who makes these laws?!!?

So I'm twenty. Turning eighteen was fine, cigarettes and porn are always good. Or just porn. Nineteen was fine as well, seeing as Canada is okay in my book. But twenty? Fucking. Useless.

One more year.

And I want to get laid. Right now.

Just throwing that out there.

I don't mind being pathetic.

Beer pong.... wooo!!!!

I have SO much shit to do tonight and tomorrow... like reading through two hundred pages in my government book. Or skimming rather, now that I've procrastinated and have only two fucking days left to do it. I also have to make up about eight chapters worth of review questions for my humanities class, and then study for a test regarding Zoarastrianism. Zoarastrianism? I don't know either.

The good news is that within the next two days I'll probably deem it all unworthy of my time, and start my weekend a few days sooner.

Just wanted to say that um... I love Nick. ;)

Yep. That is all.

I've not been feeling like myself lately. Well, I am and I'm not. I feel like I'm standing outside myself, watching every single move I make. I know what I should be doing and what I want to do, and I am doing neither.

There are so many things I want in life, and they're out of my reach. Just barely. I'm not far off. I have a good head on my shoulders. When I want something, I go for it. For once, I'm happy with myself and upset with my situation. Or maybe I'm upset with myself for being in this situation. Either way, everything is my fault anyway. I'm so pessimistic sometimes.

I'm missing something in my life, and I can't put my finger on it. I want to think it's a lack of someone significant to get close to, because that really isn't too difficult a problem considering my line of thinking; however, I'm starting to think that isn't it. It's something larger, more time-consuming. I'm missing something. I wish I knew what is was.

Bill is so out of the picture. I'm tired of trying to make excuses for someone who doesn't care. I don't have time for games anymore. Bottom line.

Maybe this explains why I'm feeling so empty as of late. I miss having someone to talk to, whether he is that person or not. I'm realizing now that I partly liked him simply because he was there.

I hate things.

And to answer my own question from a few entries ago, no. You can't forget about someone you love, and I am forgetting already.

This is the sort of thing that confuses me, because when I'm not hearing this from him I don't hear anything at all. For days.

"You should come up here and see me."

How about no?

My brother gave me an acoustic guitar for my birthday. Definitely the most exciting thing I've ever gotten. Ever. It made me remember how much I miss playing/learning. It's glued to my hands. Permanently.

Quote of the day. From my Humanities teacher, on the discussion of ancient Chinese religion.

"Chinese kids are so cute. When you see them, you just want to wrap them up in plastic and take them home."

Because that's what I think of when I see Chinese kids.

Tomorrow is Friday, which means throughout the course of the day I will be completely hammered.

Completely.

This is good news for me because this week has been quite retarded. I've been lagged with work, classroom for work, homework, projects, papers, studying, tests, etcetera etcetera. I've haven't slept much. This week = not fun.

And believe me, there's really no way you can start drinking at midnight, get thoroughly drunk, wake up for class by seven and not fall asleep in class. Impossible. I've actually tried that one.

So yay for this weekend and seeing my Lorena, whom I thoroughly miss!!

I'm at school. Should be doing studying. Instead? I'm prioritizing, and "check email" is so above "do homework." I think the librarian would have a conniption if he knew. They're so irate about everything for some reason. I guess dealing with stupid college kids all day is enough to make someone so bitter.

The other night was... akward, to say the least. I don't think I've ever felt so friends-with-benefits-but-not-really in my life. We talked, we cuddled, he kissed my forehead, and I drove home.

As lame as it sounds, I'm proud of myself. He wanted to do things, but no thanks. I don't think he really understands where we stand anymore. But then again, neither do I. I can understand if we're finished. I just want the truth, you know?

So anyway, things were... different. He babysat his nephew, so I had met him at his sister's house Saturday night. When his sister and her husband came home later, I had the pleasure of sitting around while they all complained about Bush and how America is too hard on him... choke. They conversed for quite sometime on this topic and how, considering current affairs in comparison with recent presidents, he's handling his presidency quite well. I somewhat agree, however I bit my tongue so hard when they started talking about how much greater of a president he is than Clinton.

Please.

I'd just like to ask what his overall approval ratings are at the moment? Oh that's right, BELOW 40 PERCENT. AN ALL-TIME FLIPPING LOW. Optimism for the direction of this country is floating around at a nice little 28 percent. Eat that one.

And not only that, it bothers me that our president's initial contribution toward those who suffered through Hurricane Katrina was a glance out the window as he flew over New Orleans, the unsympathetic bastard. I really don't understand what exactly it is that he does for America. If anything, really.

Seriously, someone please tell me.

So here I am, on a Saturday. Not working. I had originally requested tonight off in lieu of a pleasant dinner with my mother. However, considering recent events regarding her rather violent closing of a door on me, we're just going to forget that we're related.

Instead... heh. I receive a phone call. "Hi, my name is Bill and I'm driving home right now."

...

Oh, okay. I'll just need a minute to drop everything I'm doing. And then you can take all of it and shove it up your pale, white ass. Sideways.

Comprehension of this issue on my behalf is so out the window. One minute he's too busy to hold a conversation for more than two minutes, and the next he's all over me with the I miss yous. I'm seriously not this much of a desperate retard. He just gets me sometimes.

Teresa said that I'm in love. Maybe I am. But is it easy to walk away from someone you're in love with? Or to be in love with someone you barely know? I rarely seem him, and I feel like I know him less and less everyday. When I see him everything comes back to me, but when I get into my car to leave those feelings don't follow me home. There's something when we're together that just disappears when we're not. And I'm very close to walking away. Very close to just turning my back on the whole thing. How hard can it be to walk away from someone you barely know? It was nice while it lasted.

Things this weekend I (re)discovered I really love:

State

beer

beer pong

Phillup's driving

Sharpies

not waking up on the floor after drinking

beer

my mummas

my Lorena and her liquor cabinet/purse

beer

Moons Over My Hammy (and Denny's, when they're not effing slow as hell)

push-ups on pool tables

beer

Which, by the way, drunken push-ups are not a good idea when you're not in the greatest push-up shape. I'm still paying for those.

Life is grand. I haven't been this thoroughly satisfied with myself in like ninety-seven years.

Boys are good... still don't really want one. You know how when you're not in a relationship, all you see are couples everywhere? What do I see? People. Just people.

What I don't appreciate is you know how when you want someone you can't find them anywhere, but when you mind your own damn business they won't fucking leave you alone?! I want a pin or a sign or something that says, "NOT INTERESTED."

I got bothered again today at work. Which is fucking annoying, let me tell you. Like hey, that ridiculously frumpy corporate uniform is retarded, let me initiate conversation about how attractive you look in it. Please don't. You wouldn't believe the sorts of conversations I hear all day. All I want to hear from you is medium or medium rare.

Don't get me wrong. I love all things relationship, but just not right now. I like just being me.

I was raking leaves today and remembered something really important someone told me when I was a little kid. "Don't hide in a pile of leaves." As in leaves that have been raked into a pile by the curb. As in a car would drive by and run you over. This guy drove really close, so as to prove his point, and said this to me as I was laying in a pile of leaves. By the curb. I wasn't exactly the brightest kid.

I've done dumber things though... like hiding under my neighbor's car. Don't want to talk about how that could've ended.

I did a lot of thinking though, while I was raking leaves for three hours, and I had myself a number of epiphanies. One, I'm glad I'm single because, two, most boys are idiots. Three, I'm not going to worry about my cell phone anymore. I always wonder who is going to call me, and then wonder why people aren't calling me, which I've noticed drastically affects the mood I'm in. Four, diets are stupid. If I'm hungry, I should eat... I don't know why I ever worried so much about what other people think about me. Five, which goes along with four, self-confidence is sexy. I like people who are independent and strong, so why have I not put two and two together? Six, look for the better in any situation. Why set yourself up for a adversity? If something goes wrong, it went wrong for a reason. Get over it. And seven, appreciate the small things.

Like the fact that you don't live in Texas.

Sorry, Texas.

"I wanna say something. I'm gonna put it out there. If you like it, you can take it. If you don't, send it right back. I want to be on you. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I... I wanna be on you."

My right kidney is very sad, very in pain, very crippled and very dried up. Yep. I have a kidney infection. The only good part about being bedridden is watching movies. I'm sorry, all I heard was blah blah blah I'm a filthy whore.

It feels like there's a parade of drums and garbage trucks and loud, loud noises rumbling around inside my head. I'm upset that I can't enjoy this nice day like everyone else, because the beautiful blue sky and shining sun overhead are too much for my little head to handle.

So here I sit, with my pills. Pills for sinus headaches. Nasal decongestants. Multi-vitamins. Iron supplemets. And lots and lots of acetominophen. I hope my liver makes it through college.

Last. Night. Was. Perfect.

Considering I've probably had the most retarded last few weeks anyone could seriously ever have, last night I was fucking floored. Between my mother's persistent bitching, running out of gas, being stranded fifty miles from home until five in the morning, working 28-hour weekends, having unbearable back pains, womanly issues, and NOT ONE FLIPPING DAY TO MYSELF, I didn't think it was even possible I could be in such a positive mood.

But ah, yes. Bill. I had left him a message earlier in the night about how I missed him, wanted to see him, blah blah blah.

So anyway, to make a long story short, it's ten-thirty at night and I find myself in my car headed up north to see him. Holy crap, folks. Let me tell you how I never realized how much I missed that boy until saw him standing there. When I got to his house he picked me up and spun me around, and I swear to God, my heart melted right there. Seriously. You probably could've scraped it off the driveway with a shovel.

We spent the whole night cuddling and talking. Well, among other things, but I'll spare you that. What truly felt wonderful was that he was so estatic that I was driving up to see him.

I'm just really satisfied with everything. I'm optomistic. Reinvigorated. I can deal.

Let's talk about things that are not fun. How about running into your ex at a bar?

Not fun, let me tell you.

I've been so preoccupied with bills for what seems like eternity. I honestly can't remember the last thing I bought myself just because. Whenever I have extra money I usually end up needing new shoes for work, books for school, $2.79 for a flipping gallon of gas. Etcetera, etcetera.

So today. I went out and bought myself a compact disc that I've wanted for quite some time, and I am estatic. Crap. As pathetic as it sounds, I think it's amazing how something as miniscule as a CD can make my day. It's Jason Mraz. And yah, I want him. So what.

I'm going out of the country again later, but with intentions of having a night that is low key. I'd like to make it home tonight, thanks.

Also, Happy Birthday to my bestest friend, Melissa. Woo for being nineteen!!

That is all.

Did anyone realize yesterday's date? It hardly seems four years has come to pass. What is quite riflippingdiculous is that despite these last four years, the thousands upon thousands of deaths, and this war on Iraq, we have nothing to show for our sorrow. Just confusion.

We're following a man who hasn't a clue where he is headed. This country has become a gunboat in a sea of fear. On to the next devastation.

I think I'm fairly easy to keep happy. Seriously. Call me in the morning. Buy me a slurpee. Tell me something nice. See? Simple.

I've decided though that God just generally doesn't like me. He likes to put nice things in front of me and then take them away, so I can realize that I can't have them.

I just want a boy. Someone to play me songs on the guitar. Make me laugh. Go swimming with me late at night. Someone to wake up next to in the morning and tell me I'm beautiful when really I look like ass. Someone who realizes the only relevant opinion is his own. He knows what he wants from life and isn't afraid to get it. He has matured enough to realize the whole macho bit is overrated. And that I don't want to be impressed. I want someone to just treat me nice, dammit.

What's quite unfortunate is that I've found this person. For the most part. I think. He's eighty million miles away. Eighty million. No joke.

So maybe I haven't.

Wouldn't you know who found time to call me last night at one in the flipping morning?

I'm simply enthralled that between the both of us, he no longer has the upper hand. I don't feel like I need to call him every day, let alone return his phone calls. I'll do that when I get around to it.

He asked me if not calling him again was something I had planned on doing. Not calling him this past week? Der. Though I did plan on calling him when I thought the time was right, whenever that would have been. I told him that I didn't quite appreciate the way he treated me the last time we talked.

And that would be where I lost him.

I figured maybe he'd be confused after not hearing from me for a while, but I at least thought he would have realized what he had done. Or said. He proceeded to explain to me about how he was completely hammered when we talked, and would NEVER say anything like that to me. Never ever.

Oh, that's nice. Just the kind of quality I look for in a guy, right? Because who doesn't love a mean drunk?

I'd like to know where the maturity is in drinking yourself stupid? College is college, but it's a whole different field when you hurt someone who cares about you. And someone whom you seemingly care about as well.

I told him I'd call today, but I'm in no hurry.

A part of me still misses him. I should have no difficulty walking away from someone who isn't considerate of my feelings, but this is anything but easy.

I want to tell him how he made me feel so small. Bothersome. Insignificant. I want him to know how I feel, but I won't call. I want to talk to him, but I don't.

He called yesterday. I didn't answer.

I just want this all to blow over. I want to forget about him. Where's the rewind button?

Let's talk about a conversation that is entirely possible of halting any, if not ALL, of my feelings toward someone I care immensely about.

"Hi! How are you?"
"I'm trying to drink. Can I call you later?"

So I hung up. How's that for later? Seriously. How the hell could anyone be so disrespectful? I've lost all respect. Honestly.

Not three weeks ago Teresa and I had a conversation pertaining to the fact that if Bill is such a nice guy, why hasn't someone else realized that already? Why isn't he taken? Because, ipso facto, all nice guys are taken. End of story.

Besides, how un-nice could a guy who shows up on your front porch when you're sick with two cans of chicken noodle soup be?

I was upset that I was missing out on such an amazing person. Was. Scratch that. After everything that has happened, I just want to be me. I want to worry about school. Go to work. Have fun with my friends. Drink beer. Drink beer times a million, and then not worry about boys.

My life is slowly but surely fading back to normal. Summer was fun, but that's all over now. Classes start this week, a definite sign that things will be normal soon. Or close enough.

It feels good to be thinking fully about myself again. Not at all that I minded sharing my time with someone. I know I'll miss having someone to fall asleep next to. Watch movies with. Call at three in the morning. I'll get over that.

Things have sort of dwindled into a friendship, I guess. Which is fine. We still talk often enough, but it's just different. And about nothing in particular. We still haven't really talked about things, we're just at a sort of a mutual agreement.

At the very least, I'm glad we can still be friends. When this all began I told myself that if things didn't work out, I'd be glad that we met. And I am.

I have a Bill-shaped hole in me, but it will go away. I need time. It just saddens me to think back about everything that has happened, and then wonder whether he's making the same memories with someone else.

I'm really heartbroken, but I'll heal.

So this is going to sound silly, but I possess this deck of... erm, oracle cards.

No laughing.

They're actually not mine, but they are currently in my possession. I've sort of, well, been using them. Upon mention, I usually do this little eye roll accompanied by a comment on how ridiculous the idea of oracle cards are in the first place.

However, feeling not at all like myself and looking for some sort of input in my life and the way I've been feeling lately, why the hell not?

Anyway, besides being told to take time to grow and take care of myself, yadda yadda yadda, I was also told something very interesting.

"Pay atention to doors that are opening and shutting for you right now. Walk through doors that are open and learn from the doors that shut. When you hold tightly to a part of your life that's not working, it has no room to heal. Whether you're unhappy with your love life, finances, career, home, or health, let it go. If you hang on to these aspects of your life because of fears such as "What if I can't find someone or something better?" then the situation will only worsen. If you're willing to open your hands and allow the situation to be freed, either it will be washed away from you and replaced by a better situation, or the situation will heal in a miraculous way. Try not to control the outcome of your troubling situation. Let go."

I've done this twice and have drawn the same damn card both times, which creeps me out a little. However. I'm quite enlightened.

And yet I am let down.

So today is one of those days. You know, the ones where you finally realize something you knew was coming, but you didn't want to believe it. In the corner of your mind you thought there may be hope. Everything could be normal again.

He doesn't care, and I'll let it go.

Someone wake me up when this is over.